Quarter finals

Uruguay 1 - 1 Ghana aet (Uruguay 4 - 2 penalties)
Holland 2 - 1 Brazil
Germany 4 - 0 Argentina
Spain 1 - 0 Paraguay

Plans for coherent blogging of the quarter finals were rather scuppered on Friday night when my neighbour Sean knocked on my door and asked me if I fancied a beer at about 5:30. I did fancy a beer, then I fancied another one, then I realised the landlord was firing up the barbecue and they'd be showing the football when it came on in a couple of hours, and my evening plan seemed to emerge quite naturally from the circumstances.

Thus the late appearance of this post, you see. Saturday wasn't the most energised of days. And Sunday was my birthday. So I'm covering the quarter finals in this merged and truncated format.

It may have been the booze, but Uruguay v Ghana was one of the best games of the tournament. Two great goals, extra time and some spectacular cheating. What more could you possibly want?

Ghana got the first, on the stroke of halftime. Sulley Muntari got the ball about forty yards out, and just hit it. Most of the time when someone at this World Cup has done that with the Jabulani ball it's gone sailing well over the bar or halfway to the corner flag, Jabulani being the Xhosa word for flies through the air like Hansie Cronje's plane didn't. Muntari, though, managed to put all those failed efforts in context with one sweet shot, curling away from the unsighted Muslera and in.

Muntari having subverted the World Cup form for the long range shot, Forlan decided to do the same for the free kick. His effort cleared the wall and crashed in, wrong footing Kingson on the way. He'd made the classic keeper's error of moving just before the kick was taken, an understandable urge but one which so often leads to a goal when the attacker happens to choose the opposite side to the one the keeper expects.

As I said, it may have been the booze, but it was a great game. Everyone watching was perfectly happy when full time came, because it guaranteed us another half hour of drinking and watching. I can't give you a lot of detail, I'm afraid. I didn't take my notebook to the pub, and if I had it would mainly have said I fucking love football, it's the best game and people who don't like it are just cunts, rather than anything more coolly analytical, so you'll have to settle for a rather broader brushstroke than I normally use.

In fact I spent most of extra time talking to the woman stood next to me at the bar. Her boy has been signed up as an apprentice for Rovers, and she was worried that he might be corrupted by the superstar life style. I reassured her, and I can reassure you, that there's absolutely no question of the glamour of Bristol Rovers corrupting anyone. If there was a version of Big Brother shown on Dave, at three in the morning every other Wednesday, the people choosing the housemates would pose a greater threat to their young charges' sense of proportion. Parents up and down the land are despearate to reassure agents and talent scouts that rumours of their boy spending time as a Rovers apprentice are entirely unfounded.

No, I wasn't trying to chat her up. She had a husband in tow. I have to say, though, it's a little dispiriting to realise that someone can have a son old enough to be an apprentice and still be unattainably young from my point of view.

The killer moment in the game came right at the end of extra time. From a Ghana corner, Adiyiah's shot was blocked by Suarez on the line. It came back to him, he headed it where it came from, and Suarez blocked it again. This time, though, he used his arm. He was sent off, and Gyan took the penalty. If he'd scored from the penalty, there wouldn't have been penalties. Because his penalty hit the bar and went over, there had to be penalties. Clear?

He took the first Ghana penalty himself. He scored. Like Yakubu for Nigeria, you couldn't but admire his guts. Also like Yakubu for Nigeria, it didn't change a goddam thing. Mensah and Adiyiah missed, Uruguay won the shootout 4-2, and on they go.

As you may imagine, there's been no little discussion of this. Suarez, who misses the semifinal, didn't entirely helped matters by cheering Gyan's penalty miss as he walked off the pitch, and when he said his hand was now the new hand of God he achieved the remarkable feat of making himself unwelcome in Africa, England and Diego Maradonna's house all at the same time.

Even in those parts of the world Suarez could safely visit, there is a general sense that an injustice was done, and that a little humility on the part of Uruguay wouldn't go amiss. Ghana would have been the first African country to reach a World Cup semifinal had Suarez not deliberately handled the ball on the line. It has been said that keeping the ball out by any means is instinctive for a footballer, which is fair enough, but you really ought to eat some humble pie afterwards.

There also seems to be a strong argument for introducing a penalty goal, like the penalty try in rugby. Under this rule, if a player commits a blatant penalty offence in such a way that a definite goal is prevented, by handball, pushing an attacker over as he goes to tap a ball over the line, or whatever, then a goal should be given.

Uruguay now have to play the semifinal without Suarez, but apparently if they should win that game Suarez would be available for the final again. He could easily end up scoring the most unpopular World Cup final winning goal ever.

They play Holland, who beat Brazil in a thrilling game. A few days ago I said this

We're seeing a new, efficient Holland, without the flamboyancy, haircuts or public spats of yesteryear. I like what I'm seeing. Mind you, they've got Brazil next.

They haven't got Brazil next any more. They've got a semifinal against a Uruguay side who have lost their best striker.

It was Brazil's own fault, they threw it away quite casually. They started so well, with Robinho scoring twice in two minutes. The first one was disallowed for offside, but the second one was fine.

It was a freak goal that changed things. Sjneider's lofted cross came quite naturally through to Cesar in goal. He was slightly impeded by Melo, but not enough to justify what happened. He just completely missed the direction of the ball, and punched the empty air just to the left of its flight path instead. It hit the top of Melo's head and went in. Initially it was given as a Melo own goal, but after the game FIFA awarded it to Sjneider instead. This seems only fair, as the ball would have gone in anyway if it Melo's head hadn't been there, the crucial factor in the attribution of goals.

It seemed to throw Brazil. They've always been equal parts butterfly and bee, but sometimes they've got a bit of a glass jaw to go with it. This was one of those days. Sjneider's headed winner came from a perfectly straightforward corner from Robben, flicked on by Kuyt and knocked in without a serious challenge. Soon after Melo was sent off for stamping on Robben (I've always said watching Rooney is just like watching Brazil), and Brazil ended their World Cup on something of a whimper.

I don't think any of us expected that to happen, and I don't think any of us expected Germany to steamroller Argentina like they steamrollered Australia and England. I mean, Cahill and Terry are one thing, but this was the team of Messi and Maradonna. Their uncharacteristic loss to Serbia aside, no-one has looked vaguely like stopping them.

Klose, meanwhile, has scored 14 World Cup goals in his career. This puts him equal on Gert Muller, and one behind Brazilian Ronaldo in the all time list. He's 32, so this is probably his last chance to get to the top. He's also in the running for the Golden Boot, the highest number of goals in this tournament. He won this in 2006 with five, and no-one has ever won it two tournaments in a row.

They got started quickly in this one. Mueller got his head on a Schweinsteiger free kick from the left and deflected the ball ever so slightly. I think Romero in goal was prepared to either hurl himself across the goal after a proper header or stay right where he was if Mueller missed it. The slight deflection caught him out. It hit his right leg and bounced in, and Germany were one nil up before I'd so much as had a sip of my tea.

Like England, Argentina had plenty of pressure, but it didn't matter this time either. Germany scored a second when Mueller, lying on the floor, was able to flip a ball through to Podolski. He found Klose unmarked in front of an empty net, and Klose, no doubt remembering the Yakubu miss against South Korea, had the calmness to control it first before tapping in.

Schweinsteiger had his moment next, running right through a bedraggled and shell shocked Argentine defence to knock it back for Friedrich, who made no mistake. Klose got a fourth just before the end, and that was that.

Ein, zwei, drei, the Germans go marching on, said Gary Lineker, remaining mysteriously unsacked. Why xenophobia against Germans gets a free pass at the BBC I don't know, but it does. Dutch footballing legend Clarence Seedorf did his level best to show a more cultured and urbane face to the world than the company he found himself in, although he did accidentally undermine his dignified avoidance of national stereotypes by saying how hard it was to break through the German wall. Use a pickaxe is my advice, Clarence.

Lineker was right about one thing, they do go marching on. Although given the joyfulness and panache of their play, we might more accurately characterise their style of movement as a sashay.

The fourth quarter final, Spain v Paraguay, was a tale of posts and penalties. The first half was pretty dull, but there was more than enough material in five minutes of the second half to fill a post. Follow the details, the details are important. I'm afraid the referee isn't about to cover himself in glory.

It started on 59 minutes. Paraguay had a corner, Pique pulled on Cardozo's arm like a child demanding ice cream as the ball swung into the box, and a penalty was given. Pique got a yellow card, and Cardozo took the penalty. It was a poor penalty, Casillas saved it and held on to it, and the game carried on. Thus far, no problem.

A minute later at the other end, Villa got to a ball into the Paraguayan penalty area just before Alcaraz, who pushed him in the back. It was a definite penalty, which was given, but Alcaraz only got a yellow. This was hard to understand, as it was clearly a goal-scoring opportunity for Villa, so if it was a foul it should have been a straight red.

No matter, at least Spain have a penalty. Up steps Alonso, and he tucks it away calmly enough. Except that the referee decides it has to be taken again, for encroachment. This time Villar saves, and the rebound comes out to Fabregas. He tries to go round Villar, who blatantly trips him. No penalty given. The ball comes to Ramos, but his shot is cleared off the line by Da Silva.

All clear? Not quite. Replays show that there was encroachment on all three penalties, and that more Spanish players encroached the Paraguayan penalty miss, saved by Casillas, than encroached Alsonso's first, successful kick.

So the referee has made three game changing mistakes in five minutes. First he missed the encroachment on the first penalty (or mistakenly gave it for the second, depending on the level of tolerance you choose to apply to encroachment). Then he gave Alcaraz a yellow rather than a red. Then he missed the Fabregas trip. And we laughed at Graham Poll four years ago.

After the penalties, the posts. There were three of those as well. In the 82nd minute, Iniesta broke through to the edge of the Paraguayan box, and laid the ball off to Pedro. Pedro's shot hits the left hand post, and comes back to Villa. He controls, steadies himself (it's amazing how the top players know to the nearest tenth of a second exactly how long they have to do this) and shoots. The ball hits the right hand post, runs along the goal line behind Da Silva, hits the left hand post and rolls in.

Poor Da Silva. He'd kept out Ramos after the penalty save, and his position on the goal line was ideal, but the ball pinged one side of him, behind him, and in on the other side. His face as it did this was a comedy classic from the silent era - he looks right, he looks left, he looks bemused, he looks disconsolate. It would have won Buster Keaton an Oscar.

They were unlucky, Paraguay. They had the ball in the net in the first half, but Valdez's goal was disallowed because Cardozo was offside. He'd risen for the cross, hadn't touched it but had got near enough to it to be interfering with play. If he'd left it, the goal would have stood.

They nearly scored again right at the end. Barrios, on for Caceres, had a shot which the normally reliable Casillas spilled. Santa Cruz beat him to the ball as it rolled across the box, but Casillas made himself big and Cruz's shot pinged off him and away. On such margins are these things resolved. Spain go on, Paraguay go home.

So that's the semi final line up.

Holland v
Uruguay and
Germany v
Spain

which spells out a message, from the World Cup to all of us. HUGS, says the World Cup, as it prepares to take its leave. Hugs to you too, World Cup. If I could enter a stasis chamber until your blessed return, I surely would.

The next one is in Brazil, in 2014. South American teams will hope to use it to improve on their performance this time, which rather flattered to deceive. From a position of complete dominance, no South American country has earned an honest semifinal place. Only Uruguay survive, courtesy of Suarez and Gyan's penalty miss.

And there's a real chance of a new name on the trophy. Germany have won before, obviously, but Spain and Holland haven't. If they win they get a final against each other, with a new winner guaranteed. Uruguay, surprisingly, are three time winners, in 1934, 1938 and 1950. This makes them the only team with more years of hurt than England, so if they win England go home crowned champions of something, after all.

Paraguay v Japan

Paraguay 0 - 0 Japan (after extra time)
Paraguay win 5-3 on penalties

Forgot to hit Publish Post, sorry [Ed]

There was a game before the penalties, but I won't detain you with it. Suffice it to say that the first half, the last half hour and the second half of extra time were rubbish. I can't testify to minutes 45 to 60, they may have been brilliant, but after the gripping first half I found it impossible to tear myself away from Countdown. I turned back in the end, it was that or Deal or No Deal, but judging by the general tone of the commentators on my return the entertainment value of the lost fifteen minutes seems to have been intermittent at best.

The first half of extra time was fractionally better, but not sufficiently to induce me to describe it, so we'll skip straight to the penalty shootout. Komano hit the bar with Japan's third, Paraguay scored all five, and that was that. That's something of a cursory description as well, isn't it? Oh well, sometimes you lay the golden egg and sometimes it's just a wet fart.

Paraguay's success means four South American teams make the final eight. Given that we started with five out of 32, and Chile were knocked out by Brazil, I'm sure you can deduce that there are still as many South American sides left as mathematics would allow.

Japan's exit ends the direct interest of the continent of Asia in this tournament. To go with the four South American teams there are three European ones and Ghana for the host continent. As it seems to be viewed now. Now England have gone am I supposed to cheer for the European countries? Actually, I'm cheering for the countries who have never won it before. It was so nice when France won in 1998, it would be nice to have it happen again. Otherwise, I'd like Argentina to win so I can clean up in the office sweepstake.

Next, the big one. Spain against Portugal, to complete the quarter final line up. Tomorrow and Thursday we get two days without football, and judging by this game it's about time.

I know what you're all wondering - did I get the conundrum? How could you doubt me? Now SKEDADDLE.

Group F - final games

Slovakia 3 - 2 Italy
Vittek 25, 73 Di Natale 81
Kopunek 89 Quagliarella 90 + 2

New Zealand 0 - 0 Paraguay

This was the stuff World Cups are made of. Italy follow France home, and both finish bottom of their group. New Zealand finish above Italy, something they can hardly have dreamed of, but don't qualify for the last sixteen. On the other hand, they haven't lost a game.

And if you see who finished last in the first six groups, it tells the story of the competition so far. France, Nigeria, Algeria, Serbia, Denmark and Italy. Four European and two African nations, some viewed as real contenders before the tournament began.

There was no clue to Slovakia's rebirth in their previous two games. Complacent and punished against New Zealand, they were overwhelmed by Paraguay. Against the World Champions they came out mysteriously rejuvenated, something so unlikely there's only one way to account for it. Slovakia? Translovakia, I say. Virgin's blood, that's their secret.

You can tell just by looking at Martin Skrtel. If ever a man's turned to the dark side, he's the one. There's only one foodstuff perks up a man like that, and I'm not talking about black pudding.

Whilst vampiric transfusion is obviously the main explanation, woeful Italian defending may have been a contributing factor. Vittek's goals both came from errors at the back. De Rossi gave away the ball to Hamsik, who slipped it through for the first, while Chiellini was embarrassingly slow to Hamsik's volleyed cross, allowing Vittek to knock it in at the near post. Hamsik to Vittek, you'd have thought they'd have been watching out for it.

Just before half-time, there was an incident which summed the game up. Gattuso caught Strba in a challenge, and his stud went right into Strba's knee. The camera zoomed in sickeningly on the hole, neatly punched in just below the patella. Slovakian coach Vladimir Weiss was halfway through bringing on Kamil Kopunek for him, but Strba, on the opposite touchline, waved him away. I suppose when you're up for it one and a half knees is enough.

He got through to halftime, they did some knee hole surgery on him in the break and back he came for the second half. In the end Kopunek didn't get on for him until the 86th minute, although when he did get on he got his moment. Gattuso, meanwhile, came off at halftime, a sacrifice to the Italian need for urgency.

The Slovaks just wanted it more, you see. Weiss is a bit of a hard nut himself. Before the game he'd responded to a journalist's hostile questioning by threatening to smack him in the mouth. The squad responded to this by boycotting the Press. It's a physical game, Slovakian football.

Italy came back and scored through Di Natale, but this was Kopunek's moment. Running through an Italian defence that hadn't really adjusted to his presence yet, he got onto a bouncing cross and lobbed it over Marchetti and in. Three one, and game over, you thought.

Earlier Italy had brought on Pirlo, icon of 2006, but Quagliarella was their best player. At one nil, his volley was hacked off the line by Skrtel. At two nil, his was the shot that rebounded to Di Natale to score. At two one he had a goal disallowed for offside, a highly marginal if probably correct decision. And at three one, his chip from twenty five yards gave them hope to the end. If Pepe had scored in the final seconds rather than scuffing his shot wide, they'd have been saved.

Afterwards, the Italian manager Lippi refused to shake Weiss' hand. There's been a little too much of that, if you ask me. Slovenia were guilty of some play acting towards the end, it's true, but it's a funny old world if the manager of Italy can get upset over a little theatricality.

Meanwhile, Paraguay and New Zealand played out a dull nil nil. Paraguay top the group, while New Zealand go home with three draws, and finish above Italy. Slovakia go second, and have to sell the plane tickets they probably bought. Perhaps the Italians could have them.

Outcomes - groups E and F

Group E
Holland are definitely through, and Cameroon are definitely out. If Holland win or draw against Cameroon, they top the group.

If they lose, and Japan or Denmark win their game, then Holland and the winner go through, in an order to be decided by goal difference.

If Japan and Denmark draw, Holland are top and Japan second on goal difference.

Group F
If Paraguay beat New Zealand, they top the group and the winner of Italy v Slovakia are second, Italy taking second if they draw.

If New Zealand and Italy win, they both go through, places between them being decided by goal difference.

If New Zealand and Slovakia win, New Zealand top the group and second place goes to Paraguay or Slovakia, places between them being decided by goal difference.

If New Zealand win and the other game is drawn, New Zealand top the group and Paraguay are second.

If Paraguay and New Zealand draw and Slovakia win, Paraguay top the group and Slovakia are second.

If Paraguay and New Zealand draw and Italy win, Paraguay and Italy go through, places between them being decided by goal difference.

If both games are drawn, Paraguay top the group and second place goes to Italy or New Zealand, places between them being decided by goal difference. If the score in both matches is the same, Italy and New Zealand have to be split by lots.

Paraguay v Slovakia

Paraguay 2 - 0 Slovakia
Vera 27
Riveros 86

Sorry I'm a bit behind schedule with this. It took a while trying to get down all the incidents from the Denmark Cameroon game last night. Fortunately, this one shouldn't detain us long.

Slovakia just weren't really at the races today, and were totally outclassed by Paraguay. Their national anthem is called Lightning over the Tatras, but there was precious little flash bang about them today. One look at the clubs the Slovakian players play for should make it clear why.

They do have Skrtel from Liverpool, but otherwise we're really not looking at the giants of world football. Bochum in Germany, Slovan Bratislava, Wolfsbug, Legia Warsaw - they're not terrible teams, but any squad with that kind of pedigree is going to struggle at the highest level. To that extent, it's not surprising they failed to see off New Zealand.

Compare this with the Paraguay team. Santa Cruz from Man City, two from Borussia Dortmund (a club incidentally who have now banned the vuvuzela from their stadium), Boca Juniors of Argentina, a generally much more impressive squad.

So it's really hardly surprising if Slovakia came out and defended. After all, the game was the equivalent Motherwell going to Celtic in the SPL, after they've just drawn a Cup game with Hamilton Academicals.

It meant that most of what chances there were in this game fell to Paraguay. Santa Cruz had a shot well saved after four minutes, as it flicked off Skrtel's thigh and headed towards the top corner, then Valdez turned Skrtel in the box, only to see a poor shot go well wide.

Ribeiros had a go, but his shot was straight at Mucha. Never heard of him? He's the Legia Warsaw goalkeeper, but don't worry, I hadn't either. He wasn't bad actually, I wouldn't be upset if Coppell brought him to Ashton Gate, but that's about the level he's at.

The first goal came on 27 minutes. Barrios passed to Vera in the box, and as the challenge came in he hit it with the outside of his right boot. It curved round Mucha and into the left corner.

Soon after that Slovakia had their first shot. It fell to Vittek, and ended up nearer the corner flag than the goal.

They did a bit better a few minutes later, Salata getting his head on a corner only to see it go over, but then his defensive error gifted the ball to Vera, who passed to Santa Cruz, and only a smart save kept the score at one nil at half time.

The first twenty minutes of the second half really were fairly dull. There's always something happening in football, there's a ball in play and players are kicking it or each other, even a swing and a miss is an event, but in the interests of narrative brevity let's just skip ahead.

Yes, actually let's just skip to the 84th minute. That was when Paraguay got their second. A free kick came in from the right, the Paraguayan forwards rather fell over each other while the defence tried to work out what they were doing with it, it came to Ribeiros and he hit a sweet shot into the bottom left corner. And that was that. Slovakia had one great chance right at the end, when Vittek turned in the box and shot, but it was well saved, and wouldn't have changed anything anyway.

So a feeble display from Slovakia, and the citizens of Kosice and Bratislava know how it feels to be English. Now they have to beat Italy or go home.

Italy v Paraguay

Italy 1 - 1 Paraguay
De Rossi 63 Alcaraz 39

Well that was a bit better. Mick McCarthy might have thought it was a dull game, but he probably hadn't had to sit through Japan and Cameroon. He did give us a classic McCarthyism (as it were). If you know he's offside, if it's a free one, you give him a good kick there, he said. In other words, if you're a defender, an attacker's just got past you and you see the offside flag so you know you can't give away a penalty, hurt him as much as you can because you won't be penalised for it. Mick McCarthy, there, the UN's only Badwill Ambassador. I just hope they're keeping an eye on him in the Hague.

Having said the game was an improvement on the one before, I can't help but notice that the first incident I deemed noteworthy came twenty minutes in. Paraguay, first corner, it says. Not sure what happened on the corner, except it clearly wasn't worth writing down.

On twenty two minutes, Montolivo blocked a Paraguayan clearance and got in a shot. It was easily saved. A minute later Torres had a shot at the other end. He didn't get a clear strike in and it went wide, but things were looking up.

Especially for Alcaraz. After half an hour, he cleared a dangerous dipping corner over the bar just before an Italian forward could get their foot on it. Ten minutes later he was just as forceful in attack, jumping above the entire Italian defence to get his head on a free kick and steer it in.

It took us all a bit by surprise, to be honest, particularly the Italians. Kicking and jumping are traditionally well within their skillset, and they don't expect to be beaten to the ball by the same guy twice, at opposite ends of the field. They went into a baffled sulk until ten minutes into the second half, when Pepe tried a rather ambitious overhead kick from ten yards out.

He didn't connect, and it was back to the baffled sulking for a while. In the end the Paraguayan keeper Villar solved their problem for them, flapping rather pathetically at a corner without making contact. The ball fell kindly for De Rossi, who just tapped it in.

It was just like the good old days. Few chances, error strewn performances, and then we got a good traditional shoulder barge. Da Silva on Montolivo, no penalty, no appeal. McCarthy's favourite moment of the match.

Santana had another good chance for Paraguay, when Lucas played it back to him from the goal line. He mishit it though, and it went just wide. They then brought on Roque Santa Cruz, in the hope that he might turn up in my notes sometime afterwards, but they were destined to be disappointed. In fact the game rather stumbled to its conclusion. Both sides will be OK with a draw, especially Paraguay, but Slovakia will feel they've got a great chance to jump ahead in the group when they play New Zealand.