Holland 2 Robben 18, Sjneider 84
Slovakia 1 Vittek (pen) 90 + 4
The B list countries are all going home now. They shine, they sparkle, they put out Italy or France, in England's case they don't do any of those things, but as we head towards the quarter finals the big fish are taking over.
It's like a feeding frenzy, taken to its logical conclusion. During qualifying there are plenty of fish in the sea, and everyone contents themselves with the small fry. By the tournament itself the Balkan bait ball is mostly gone, and the smaller hunters become the hunted. Once they get out of the group stage it's bye bye to halibut, herring, and English carp, and before we know it the real sharks are on their own, thrashing around and gorging on each other until one monstrous hammerhead emerges triumphant from the debris of scale and crunched bones.
You get the idea. Not that Holland will be describing themselves as one of the really big fish. After all, it's not like they've ever won it, or anything.
The golden generation (a phrase so cheapened by its application to the current England squad that it's hard to use it without spitting) took them to two finals, in 1974 and 1978, but they lost to Germany, then Argentina. Since then we've had the traditional flashes of greatness (one thinks immediately of the Bergkamp goal against Argentina in 1998), but they always seem to burn brightly, then burn out.
This year, they're taking a different tack. No more 6-1 demolition jobs, like the one they inflicted on Yugoslavia in Euro 2000. They were hosting the tournament, and they preened and strutted to a semifinal defeat by Italy that seemed impossible.
This time the preening and the strutting have been left to lesser teams. They've beaten Denmark, Japan, Cameroon and now Slovakia, scored seven goals to two conceded, yet they seem to have ghosted through the tournament.
We're seeing a new, efficient Holland, without the flamboyancy, haircuts or public spats of yesteryear. I like what I'm seeing. Mind you, they've got Brazil next.
The big news for them is that Arjen Robben is back. He played in the Champions League final for Bayern, but hurt himself in a friendly against Hungary a week before the tournament began. They've done fine without him, but they were glad of his goal today. The way he cut inside from the right and put the ball precisely through the minute gap between converging defenders' legs will have brought back happy memories from the days before gold was devalued. Three Lions? Sealions more like. Yes I'm still angry. It's still only the day after the Grim Day, you know. Not Better Yet Day, we call it, and cursed be those who fail to understand.
Yes, let's get back to Holland. The Slovakian goalkeeper Mucha gave them the second, running out to get a ball he was never going to reach. Kuyt headed over him and passed it back to Sjneider, who shot into an empty net. It was a shame for Mucha, who'd had a good game and a good tournament, but that's feeding frenzies for you, no respecters of effort.
The laws of sporting selection relented long enough to allow Slovakia a nice little bonus at the end, as they won a penalty with the last move of the match. Vittek scored, to move to four goals for the tournament. The final whistle blew while they were celebrating. It was how they'd have wanted to go.
The four days since the Italy game were a nice little interlude for them, before normal service was resumed. They didn't entertain against Paraguay or New Zealand, but they've made up for it since. Holland have Brazil, and the winner just has to beat Uruguay or Ghana to get to the final, so it would be a reckless punter who put their money anywhere else, if you ask me.
Showing posts with label Slovakia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Slovakia. Show all posts
Monday, 28 June 2010
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Group F - final games
Slovakia 3 - 2 Italy
Vittek 25, 73 Di Natale 81
Kopunek 89 Quagliarella 90 + 2
New Zealand 0 - 0 Paraguay
This was the stuff World Cups are made of. Italy follow France home, and both finish bottom of their group. New Zealand finish above Italy, something they can hardly have dreamed of, but don't qualify for the last sixteen. On the other hand, they haven't lost a game.
And if you see who finished last in the first six groups, it tells the story of the competition so far. France, Nigeria, Algeria, Serbia, Denmark and Italy. Four European and two African nations, some viewed as real contenders before the tournament began.
There was no clue to Slovakia's rebirth in their previous two games. Complacent and punished against New Zealand, they were overwhelmed by Paraguay. Against the World Champions they came out mysteriously rejuvenated, something so unlikely there's only one way to account for it. Slovakia? Translovakia, I say. Virgin's blood, that's their secret.
You can tell just by looking at Martin Skrtel. If ever a man's turned to the dark side, he's the one. There's only one foodstuff perks up a man like that, and I'm not talking about black pudding.
Whilst vampiric transfusion is obviously the main explanation, woeful Italian defending may have been a contributing factor. Vittek's goals both came from errors at the back. De Rossi gave away the ball to Hamsik, who slipped it through for the first, while Chiellini was embarrassingly slow to Hamsik's volleyed cross, allowing Vittek to knock it in at the near post. Hamsik to Vittek, you'd have thought they'd have been watching out for it.
Just before half-time, there was an incident which summed the game up. Gattuso caught Strba in a challenge, and his stud went right into Strba's knee. The camera zoomed in sickeningly on the hole, neatly punched in just below the patella. Slovakian coach Vladimir Weiss was halfway through bringing on Kamil Kopunek for him, but Strba, on the opposite touchline, waved him away. I suppose when you're up for it one and a half knees is enough.
He got through to halftime, they did some knee hole surgery on him in the break and back he came for the second half. In the end Kopunek didn't get on for him until the 86th minute, although when he did get on he got his moment. Gattuso, meanwhile, came off at halftime, a sacrifice to the Italian need for urgency.
The Slovaks just wanted it more, you see. Weiss is a bit of a hard nut himself. Before the game he'd responded to a journalist's hostile questioning by threatening to smack him in the mouth. The squad responded to this by boycotting the Press. It's a physical game, Slovakian football.
Italy came back and scored through Di Natale, but this was Kopunek's moment. Running through an Italian defence that hadn't really adjusted to his presence yet, he got onto a bouncing cross and lobbed it over Marchetti and in. Three one, and game over, you thought.
Earlier Italy had brought on Pirlo, icon of 2006, but Quagliarella was their best player. At one nil, his volley was hacked off the line by Skrtel. At two nil, his was the shot that rebounded to Di Natale to score. At two one he had a goal disallowed for offside, a highly marginal if probably correct decision. And at three one, his chip from twenty five yards gave them hope to the end. If Pepe had scored in the final seconds rather than scuffing his shot wide, they'd have been saved.
Afterwards, the Italian manager Lippi refused to shake Weiss' hand. There's been a little too much of that, if you ask me. Slovenia were guilty of some play acting towards the end, it's true, but it's a funny old world if the manager of Italy can get upset over a little theatricality.
Meanwhile, Paraguay and New Zealand played out a dull nil nil. Paraguay top the group, while New Zealand go home with three draws, and finish above Italy. Slovakia go second, and have to sell the plane tickets they probably bought. Perhaps the Italians could have them.
Vittek 25, 73 Di Natale 81
Kopunek 89 Quagliarella 90 + 2
New Zealand 0 - 0 Paraguay
This was the stuff World Cups are made of. Italy follow France home, and both finish bottom of their group. New Zealand finish above Italy, something they can hardly have dreamed of, but don't qualify for the last sixteen. On the other hand, they haven't lost a game.
And if you see who finished last in the first six groups, it tells the story of the competition so far. France, Nigeria, Algeria, Serbia, Denmark and Italy. Four European and two African nations, some viewed as real contenders before the tournament began.
There was no clue to Slovakia's rebirth in their previous two games. Complacent and punished against New Zealand, they were overwhelmed by Paraguay. Against the World Champions they came out mysteriously rejuvenated, something so unlikely there's only one way to account for it. Slovakia? Translovakia, I say. Virgin's blood, that's their secret.
You can tell just by looking at Martin Skrtel. If ever a man's turned to the dark side, he's the one. There's only one foodstuff perks up a man like that, and I'm not talking about black pudding.
Whilst vampiric transfusion is obviously the main explanation, woeful Italian defending may have been a contributing factor. Vittek's goals both came from errors at the back. De Rossi gave away the ball to Hamsik, who slipped it through for the first, while Chiellini was embarrassingly slow to Hamsik's volleyed cross, allowing Vittek to knock it in at the near post. Hamsik to Vittek, you'd have thought they'd have been watching out for it.
Just before half-time, there was an incident which summed the game up. Gattuso caught Strba in a challenge, and his stud went right into Strba's knee. The camera zoomed in sickeningly on the hole, neatly punched in just below the patella. Slovakian coach Vladimir Weiss was halfway through bringing on Kamil Kopunek for him, but Strba, on the opposite touchline, waved him away. I suppose when you're up for it one and a half knees is enough.
He got through to halftime, they did some knee hole surgery on him in the break and back he came for the second half. In the end Kopunek didn't get on for him until the 86th minute, although when he did get on he got his moment. Gattuso, meanwhile, came off at halftime, a sacrifice to the Italian need for urgency.
The Slovaks just wanted it more, you see. Weiss is a bit of a hard nut himself. Before the game he'd responded to a journalist's hostile questioning by threatening to smack him in the mouth. The squad responded to this by boycotting the Press. It's a physical game, Slovakian football.
Italy came back and scored through Di Natale, but this was Kopunek's moment. Running through an Italian defence that hadn't really adjusted to his presence yet, he got onto a bouncing cross and lobbed it over Marchetti and in. Three one, and game over, you thought.
Earlier Italy had brought on Pirlo, icon of 2006, but Quagliarella was their best player. At one nil, his volley was hacked off the line by Skrtel. At two nil, his was the shot that rebounded to Di Natale to score. At two one he had a goal disallowed for offside, a highly marginal if probably correct decision. And at three one, his chip from twenty five yards gave them hope to the end. If Pepe had scored in the final seconds rather than scuffing his shot wide, they'd have been saved.
Afterwards, the Italian manager Lippi refused to shake Weiss' hand. There's been a little too much of that, if you ask me. Slovenia were guilty of some play acting towards the end, it's true, but it's a funny old world if the manager of Italy can get upset over a little theatricality.
Meanwhile, Paraguay and New Zealand played out a dull nil nil. Paraguay top the group, while New Zealand go home with three draws, and finish above Italy. Slovakia go second, and have to sell the plane tickets they probably bought. Perhaps the Italians could have them.
Outcomes - groups E and F
Group E
Holland are definitely through, and Cameroon are definitely out. If Holland win or draw against Cameroon, they top the group.
If they lose, and Japan or Denmark win their game, then Holland and the winner go through, in an order to be decided by goal difference.
If Japan and Denmark draw, Holland are top and Japan second on goal difference.
Group F
If Paraguay beat New Zealand, they top the group and the winner of Italy v Slovakia are second, Italy taking second if they draw.
If New Zealand and Italy win, they both go through, places between them being decided by goal difference.
If New Zealand and Slovakia win, New Zealand top the group and second place goes to Paraguay or Slovakia, places between them being decided by goal difference.
If New Zealand win and the other game is drawn, New Zealand top the group and Paraguay are second.
If Paraguay and New Zealand draw and Slovakia win, Paraguay top the group and Slovakia are second.
If Paraguay and New Zealand draw and Italy win, Paraguay and Italy go through, places between them being decided by goal difference.
If both games are drawn, Paraguay top the group and second place goes to Italy or New Zealand, places between them being decided by goal difference. If the score in both matches is the same, Italy and New Zealand have to be split by lots.
Holland are definitely through, and Cameroon are definitely out. If Holland win or draw against Cameroon, they top the group.
If they lose, and Japan or Denmark win their game, then Holland and the winner go through, in an order to be decided by goal difference.
If Japan and Denmark draw, Holland are top and Japan second on goal difference.
Group F
If Paraguay beat New Zealand, they top the group and the winner of Italy v Slovakia are second, Italy taking second if they draw.
If New Zealand and Italy win, they both go through, places between them being decided by goal difference.
If New Zealand and Slovakia win, New Zealand top the group and second place goes to Paraguay or Slovakia, places between them being decided by goal difference.
If New Zealand win and the other game is drawn, New Zealand top the group and Paraguay are second.
If Paraguay and New Zealand draw and Slovakia win, Paraguay top the group and Slovakia are second.
If Paraguay and New Zealand draw and Italy win, Paraguay and Italy go through, places between them being decided by goal difference.
If both games are drawn, Paraguay top the group and second place goes to Italy or New Zealand, places between them being decided by goal difference. If the score in both matches is the same, Italy and New Zealand have to be split by lots.
Goup C - final games
England 1 - 0 Slovenia
Defoe 22
USA 1 - 0 Algeria
Donovan 90 + 2
A turnaround, of a kind. Not enough to justify doing the Douglas Bader joke again, but signs of progress, or at least the desire for some.
The goal came early, fortunately. After 22 minutes Defoe got onto Milner's cross and shot home from close range, under pressure from Suler. Slovenians may have felt their keeper could have done better, but in truth it was straight at him, on him and through him faster than human reflexes can be expected to work.
And he had a good game otherwise, Handanovic. If it wasn't for him Gerrard would have scored a few minutes later, but he blocked the shot, then twisted to grab it before it crossed the line. Lampard, meanwhile, blasted over with an empty goal before him when he surely ought to have done better. It was an awkwardly bouncing ball, but he is supposed to be Frank Lampard, after all.
After the break Defoe put a great chance wide in the first minute, while Rooney was just offside as he ran onto a Gerrard pass and crossed for Defoe to tap in. Later, Terry's header from a corner was kept out by another Handanovic save, while Rooney's unchallenged shot hit the post and bounced left, the wrong way. Apparently a glaring miss, the replay showed this to be a great save as well, Handanovic's fingertips causing the two degree deflection that stopped the shot going bouncing right and in.
Terry's header was unlucky, and he did his bit at the other end too. At one point he blocked a Novakovic shot, then hurled himself across the box in a vain attempt to block Jokic's effort with his face. Fortunately perhaps, it was Johnson's foot that did the necessary, and Birsa blasted the rebound wide, but today no-one is talking about Terry as anything other than a hero.
And this is how he handles his life. In the twelve years of his senior career, he's played 391 games for Chelsea, Nottingham Forest and England. Allowing 96 minutes a game, that's an average of eight minutes and forty nine seconds a day when people actually like him. For a man like him, that may be enough.
It was a tense last ten minutes, knowing that one slip up meant elimination, but England held on. They spent most of injury time down by the Slovenian corner flag, the least nerve-racking place for them to be. They could have stayed there from the twenty third minute and it would have been fine by me. I'm full of Stoical tips for all the other countries, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
Poor Slovenia, though. After a tournament beyond expectations, they go out to a last minute US winner against Algeria. Their performance against the US alone ought to have earned them something, but you could say the same about the US, and we can't all go through.
The highlights of the USA v Algeria game are worth a watch, if you're up for it. Donovan's last minute winner gives them a game against Ghana, while England face Germany. Again. I just can't stand it.
Defoe 22
USA 1 - 0 Algeria
Donovan 90 + 2
A turnaround, of a kind. Not enough to justify doing the Douglas Bader joke again, but signs of progress, or at least the desire for some.
The goal came early, fortunately. After 22 minutes Defoe got onto Milner's cross and shot home from close range, under pressure from Suler. Slovenians may have felt their keeper could have done better, but in truth it was straight at him, on him and through him faster than human reflexes can be expected to work.
And he had a good game otherwise, Handanovic. If it wasn't for him Gerrard would have scored a few minutes later, but he blocked the shot, then twisted to grab it before it crossed the line. Lampard, meanwhile, blasted over with an empty goal before him when he surely ought to have done better. It was an awkwardly bouncing ball, but he is supposed to be Frank Lampard, after all.
After the break Defoe put a great chance wide in the first minute, while Rooney was just offside as he ran onto a Gerrard pass and crossed for Defoe to tap in. Later, Terry's header from a corner was kept out by another Handanovic save, while Rooney's unchallenged shot hit the post and bounced left, the wrong way. Apparently a glaring miss, the replay showed this to be a great save as well, Handanovic's fingertips causing the two degree deflection that stopped the shot going bouncing right and in.
Terry's header was unlucky, and he did his bit at the other end too. At one point he blocked a Novakovic shot, then hurled himself across the box in a vain attempt to block Jokic's effort with his face. Fortunately perhaps, it was Johnson's foot that did the necessary, and Birsa blasted the rebound wide, but today no-one is talking about Terry as anything other than a hero.
And this is how he handles his life. In the twelve years of his senior career, he's played 391 games for Chelsea, Nottingham Forest and England. Allowing 96 minutes a game, that's an average of eight minutes and forty nine seconds a day when people actually like him. For a man like him, that may be enough.
It was a tense last ten minutes, knowing that one slip up meant elimination, but England held on. They spent most of injury time down by the Slovenian corner flag, the least nerve-racking place for them to be. They could have stayed there from the twenty third minute and it would have been fine by me. I'm full of Stoical tips for all the other countries, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
Poor Slovenia, though. After a tournament beyond expectations, they go out to a last minute US winner against Algeria. Their performance against the US alone ought to have earned them something, but you could say the same about the US, and we can't all go through.
The highlights of the USA v Algeria game are worth a watch, if you're up for it. Donovan's last minute winner gives them a game against Ghana, while England face Germany. Again. I just can't stand it.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Paraguay v Slovakia
Paraguay 2 - 0 Slovakia
Vera 27
Riveros 86
Sorry I'm a bit behind schedule with this. It took a while trying to get down all the incidents from the Denmark Cameroon game last night. Fortunately, this one shouldn't detain us long.
Slovakia just weren't really at the races today, and were totally outclassed by Paraguay. Their national anthem is called Lightning over the Tatras, but there was precious little flash bang about them today. One look at the clubs the Slovakian players play for should make it clear why.
They do have Skrtel from Liverpool, but otherwise we're really not looking at the giants of world football. Bochum in Germany, Slovan Bratislava, Wolfsbug, Legia Warsaw - they're not terrible teams, but any squad with that kind of pedigree is going to struggle at the highest level. To that extent, it's not surprising they failed to see off New Zealand.
Compare this with the Paraguay team. Santa Cruz from Man City, two from Borussia Dortmund (a club incidentally who have now banned the vuvuzela from their stadium), Boca Juniors of Argentina, a generally much more impressive squad.
So it's really hardly surprising if Slovakia came out and defended. After all, the game was the equivalent Motherwell going to Celtic in the SPL, after they've just drawn a Cup game with Hamilton Academicals.
It meant that most of what chances there were in this game fell to Paraguay. Santa Cruz had a shot well saved after four minutes, as it flicked off Skrtel's thigh and headed towards the top corner, then Valdez turned Skrtel in the box, only to see a poor shot go well wide.
Ribeiros had a go, but his shot was straight at Mucha. Never heard of him? He's the Legia Warsaw goalkeeper, but don't worry, I hadn't either. He wasn't bad actually, I wouldn't be upset if Coppell brought him to Ashton Gate, but that's about the level he's at.
The first goal came on 27 minutes. Barrios passed to Vera in the box, and as the challenge came in he hit it with the outside of his right boot. It curved round Mucha and into the left corner.
Soon after that Slovakia had their first shot. It fell to Vittek, and ended up nearer the corner flag than the goal.
They did a bit better a few minutes later, Salata getting his head on a corner only to see it go over, but then his defensive error gifted the ball to Vera, who passed to Santa Cruz, and only a smart save kept the score at one nil at half time.
The first twenty minutes of the second half really were fairly dull. There's always something happening in football, there's a ball in play and players are kicking it or each other, even a swing and a miss is an event, but in the interests of narrative brevity let's just skip ahead.
Yes, actually let's just skip to the 84th minute. That was when Paraguay got their second. A free kick came in from the right, the Paraguayan forwards rather fell over each other while the defence tried to work out what they were doing with it, it came to Ribeiros and he hit a sweet shot into the bottom left corner. And that was that. Slovakia had one great chance right at the end, when Vittek turned in the box and shot, but it was well saved, and wouldn't have changed anything anyway.
So a feeble display from Slovakia, and the citizens of Kosice and Bratislava know how it feels to be English. Now they have to beat Italy or go home.
Vera 27
Riveros 86
Sorry I'm a bit behind schedule with this. It took a while trying to get down all the incidents from the Denmark Cameroon game last night. Fortunately, this one shouldn't detain us long.
Slovakia just weren't really at the races today, and were totally outclassed by Paraguay. Their national anthem is called Lightning over the Tatras, but there was precious little flash bang about them today. One look at the clubs the Slovakian players play for should make it clear why.
They do have Skrtel from Liverpool, but otherwise we're really not looking at the giants of world football. Bochum in Germany, Slovan Bratislava, Wolfsbug, Legia Warsaw - they're not terrible teams, but any squad with that kind of pedigree is going to struggle at the highest level. To that extent, it's not surprising they failed to see off New Zealand.
Compare this with the Paraguay team. Santa Cruz from Man City, two from Borussia Dortmund (a club incidentally who have now banned the vuvuzela from their stadium), Boca Juniors of Argentina, a generally much more impressive squad.
So it's really hardly surprising if Slovakia came out and defended. After all, the game was the equivalent Motherwell going to Celtic in the SPL, after they've just drawn a Cup game with Hamilton Academicals.
It meant that most of what chances there were in this game fell to Paraguay. Santa Cruz had a shot well saved after four minutes, as it flicked off Skrtel's thigh and headed towards the top corner, then Valdez turned Skrtel in the box, only to see a poor shot go well wide.
Ribeiros had a go, but his shot was straight at Mucha. Never heard of him? He's the Legia Warsaw goalkeeper, but don't worry, I hadn't either. He wasn't bad actually, I wouldn't be upset if Coppell brought him to Ashton Gate, but that's about the level he's at.
The first goal came on 27 minutes. Barrios passed to Vera in the box, and as the challenge came in he hit it with the outside of his right boot. It curved round Mucha and into the left corner.
Soon after that Slovakia had their first shot. It fell to Vittek, and ended up nearer the corner flag than the goal.
They did a bit better a few minutes later, Salata getting his head on a corner only to see it go over, but then his defensive error gifted the ball to Vera, who passed to Santa Cruz, and only a smart save kept the score at one nil at half time.
The first twenty minutes of the second half really were fairly dull. There's always something happening in football, there's a ball in play and players are kicking it or each other, even a swing and a miss is an event, but in the interests of narrative brevity let's just skip ahead.
Yes, actually let's just skip to the 84th minute. That was when Paraguay got their second. A free kick came in from the right, the Paraguayan forwards rather fell over each other while the defence tried to work out what they were doing with it, it came to Ribeiros and he hit a sweet shot into the bottom left corner. And that was that. Slovakia had one great chance right at the end, when Vittek turned in the box and shot, but it was well saved, and wouldn't have changed anything anyway.
So a feeble display from Slovakia, and the citizens of Kosice and Bratislava know how it feels to be English. Now they have to beat Italy or go home.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
New Zealand v Slovakia
New Zealand 1 - 1 Slovakia
Reid 90 + 3 Vittek 50
We were about due something heartwarming, and now it's happened. Everyone had really just entirely assumed New Zealand were about to be slaughtered. Tracey, having organised the work sweepstake and then drawn them, was holding out for the booby prize.
They've certainly come a long way in the last few years. Take Leo Bertos for instance. He's come from Wellington, via Worksop, and back to Wellington again. Martin Keown on the commentary team was moved to a kind of Adam Smith style ecstasy. Who knows, you might be playing in Worksop now, and you might wake up one day and find yourself in the next World Cup. Yes, Martin, but you probably have to be born somewhere like New Zealand to do it. It isn't entirely a meritocracy, you know.
Their qualifying group also took them a long way, but not to any footballing powerhouses. As Gary Lineker put it, they've played Fiji, New Caledonia and Vanuatu, and I'm sure one of those is a volcano. I think he's referring to Vanuatu, which is in fact the island chain just east of the Solomons, that used to be known as the New Hebrides. Not traditionally the kind of game they clear the schedules for on Sky Sports One, anyway, although Keown did express an interest in covering the New Zealand away games next time round.
Incidentally, did you know some volcanic island chains are formed by continental drift? Get a piece of paper, and hold a pencil under it. Stick the pencil up through the paper, and observe the volcano shape. Now pull the pencil back down, move the paper slightly to symbolise tens of thousands of years (continental drift happens at roughly the speed fingernails grow), and repeat. After a few times, you have a volcanic island chain.
Yes, I know that isn't directly about the World Cup. I'm adding texture. Life isn't just about football, you know. God, you obsessives bore me.
Once past the volcanic island chains (you see? narrative thread), New Zealand had to play off against Asian qualifying runners up Bahrain. Bahrain had themselves seen off Saudi Arabia, who to be honest might have been rather tougher opposition, so we shouldn't kid ourselves the Kiwis will be there every time. Is it OK to call them the Kiwis? It's not actively pejorative, so I guess so. And it must be nice to have a defining national bird. You'd have to call us the Small Unremarkable Brown Birds that Cats Eat.
None of the New Zealand really play at the top level except Ryan Nelsen of Blackburn. They do have Chris Wood from West Brom, but Slovakia have a West Brom player too, Marek Cech, and he's one of their less senior players. They've got players like Martin Skrtel of Liverpool, and other similar talents. That's why they finished top of their qualifying group, ahead of Slovenia, Poland and, most satisfying for them, the Czech Republic. They were expected to do well.
It started slowly. Keown described it as almost like a testimonial game. Slovakia probably thought they had plenty of time (I accidentally typed Slovakia probably thought they had plenty of team, which also kind of works), while New Zealand were just happy to be there. Killen got the first two chances for New Zealand, but shot over the bar and headed straight at the keeper.
After that Slovakia dominated the first half, and the New Zealand keeper Paston struggled. First he missed a corner, and was lucky to see it bounce off Skrtel's head and over, then he slipped while clearing, gave it to Vittek and was lucky again to get a chance to knock the ball out for a corner. Finally he just left an easy ball, and was still luckier to see a defender hook it clear.
Three errors, and no goals conceded. Sometimes goalkeepers get lucky. Did you notice how many times I said lucky? That was to emphasise the element of luck with goalkeeping errors. You know what I'm talking about.
After fifty minutes Slovakia finally did score, and there was nothing Paston could have done about it (in fact he had a much better second half). Sestak fired in a cross, right in that danger zone just too high for the blocking defender, and Vittek got his head on it. It went straight in the bottom left, leaving Paston helpless. We all just assumed normal service had been resumed.
While New Zealand were still down, Strba started kicking them. He got away with the one on Killen, but when he scythed down Elliott from behind he was booked.
Slovakia kept up the attack using more conventional methods. Only Reid's desparate tackle stopped Vittek scoring, then something similar happened to Sestak after he'd been camped out in the New Zealand penalty area for what seemed an age, waiting for a bouncing ball to come down. Oh those balls, they sure are bouncing a lot. Kenneth Williams would have had an epiphany.
New Zealand didn't get so much as a shot in from half time until ten minutes before the end, and even then Fallon skied it. They did have a clear header a minute before full time, but Smeltz sent it wide. The unlucky minnows story arc seemed complete, that was the last minute fluffed chance you always get, now it was time for the whistle, and the full time recriminations.
And yet. Thirty seconds from the end of injury time Smeltz turned and hooked a cross back in. It fell perfectly on the head of Winston Reid, who turned it into the corner. One all.
The Slovaks couldn't believe it. They kicked off, but there was no time. They'd dropped two points to the narratively presumptuous minnows, and now Italy and Paraguay await them. There's gonna be some weeping and wailing on the streets of Bratislava tonight.
They might be a bit happier in Wellington and Auckland, though. First Australia get hammered, then they get a draw off a quality European team, with unheralded players and no real star names. We're happy too. The tournament needed a human interest story.
Reid 90 + 3 Vittek 50
We were about due something heartwarming, and now it's happened. Everyone had really just entirely assumed New Zealand were about to be slaughtered. Tracey, having organised the work sweepstake and then drawn them, was holding out for the booby prize.
They've certainly come a long way in the last few years. Take Leo Bertos for instance. He's come from Wellington, via Worksop, and back to Wellington again. Martin Keown on the commentary team was moved to a kind of Adam Smith style ecstasy. Who knows, you might be playing in Worksop now, and you might wake up one day and find yourself in the next World Cup. Yes, Martin, but you probably have to be born somewhere like New Zealand to do it. It isn't entirely a meritocracy, you know.
Their qualifying group also took them a long way, but not to any footballing powerhouses. As Gary Lineker put it, they've played Fiji, New Caledonia and Vanuatu, and I'm sure one of those is a volcano. I think he's referring to Vanuatu, which is in fact the island chain just east of the Solomons, that used to be known as the New Hebrides. Not traditionally the kind of game they clear the schedules for on Sky Sports One, anyway, although Keown did express an interest in covering the New Zealand away games next time round.
Incidentally, did you know some volcanic island chains are formed by continental drift? Get a piece of paper, and hold a pencil under it. Stick the pencil up through the paper, and observe the volcano shape. Now pull the pencil back down, move the paper slightly to symbolise tens of thousands of years (continental drift happens at roughly the speed fingernails grow), and repeat. After a few times, you have a volcanic island chain.
Yes, I know that isn't directly about the World Cup. I'm adding texture. Life isn't just about football, you know. God, you obsessives bore me.
Once past the volcanic island chains (you see? narrative thread), New Zealand had to play off against Asian qualifying runners up Bahrain. Bahrain had themselves seen off Saudi Arabia, who to be honest might have been rather tougher opposition, so we shouldn't kid ourselves the Kiwis will be there every time. Is it OK to call them the Kiwis? It's not actively pejorative, so I guess so. And it must be nice to have a defining national bird. You'd have to call us the Small Unremarkable Brown Birds that Cats Eat.
None of the New Zealand really play at the top level except Ryan Nelsen of Blackburn. They do have Chris Wood from West Brom, but Slovakia have a West Brom player too, Marek Cech, and he's one of their less senior players. They've got players like Martin Skrtel of Liverpool, and other similar talents. That's why they finished top of their qualifying group, ahead of Slovenia, Poland and, most satisfying for them, the Czech Republic. They were expected to do well.
It started slowly. Keown described it as almost like a testimonial game. Slovakia probably thought they had plenty of time (I accidentally typed Slovakia probably thought they had plenty of team, which also kind of works), while New Zealand were just happy to be there. Killen got the first two chances for New Zealand, but shot over the bar and headed straight at the keeper.
After that Slovakia dominated the first half, and the New Zealand keeper Paston struggled. First he missed a corner, and was lucky to see it bounce off Skrtel's head and over, then he slipped while clearing, gave it to Vittek and was lucky again to get a chance to knock the ball out for a corner. Finally he just left an easy ball, and was still luckier to see a defender hook it clear.
Three errors, and no goals conceded. Sometimes goalkeepers get lucky. Did you notice how many times I said lucky? That was to emphasise the element of luck with goalkeeping errors. You know what I'm talking about.
After fifty minutes Slovakia finally did score, and there was nothing Paston could have done about it (in fact he had a much better second half). Sestak fired in a cross, right in that danger zone just too high for the blocking defender, and Vittek got his head on it. It went straight in the bottom left, leaving Paston helpless. We all just assumed normal service had been resumed.
While New Zealand were still down, Strba started kicking them. He got away with the one on Killen, but when he scythed down Elliott from behind he was booked.
Slovakia kept up the attack using more conventional methods. Only Reid's desparate tackle stopped Vittek scoring, then something similar happened to Sestak after he'd been camped out in the New Zealand penalty area for what seemed an age, waiting for a bouncing ball to come down. Oh those balls, they sure are bouncing a lot. Kenneth Williams would have had an epiphany.
New Zealand didn't get so much as a shot in from half time until ten minutes before the end, and even then Fallon skied it. They did have a clear header a minute before full time, but Smeltz sent it wide. The unlucky minnows story arc seemed complete, that was the last minute fluffed chance you always get, now it was time for the whistle, and the full time recriminations.
And yet. Thirty seconds from the end of injury time Smeltz turned and hooked a cross back in. It fell perfectly on the head of Winston Reid, who turned it into the corner. One all.
The Slovaks couldn't believe it. They kicked off, but there was no time. They'd dropped two points to the narratively presumptuous minnows, and now Italy and Paraguay await them. There's gonna be some weeping and wailing on the streets of Bratislava tonight.
They might be a bit happier in Wellington and Auckland, though. First Australia get hammered, then they get a draw off a quality European team, with unheralded players and no real star names. We're happy too. The tournament needed a human interest story.
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