Saturday, 19 June 2010

England v Algeria

Oh for fuck's sake.

After the game, ITV2 had Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels on. You can understand what they were thinking. They'll all be high on testosterone and England goals, so we'll give them what they want. It's got guns, swearing, Vinnie Jones, they'll lap it up. The advertisers will love it, they can run that godawful ad with Ray Winstone in, we'll sell more Guinness than St Patrick's Day. Best laid plans, and all that.

I'd had a little drink myself. My notes start off with stuff like

Gerrard knocks in a cross, keeper looks vulnerable

then they pass through

Boudebouz strike, close but wide


fucking Princes, pair of TWATS


Matmour involved in everything, somewhere in a pub there's a blind drunk Englishman called Matt Moore who thinks he's playing

and rapidly degenerate into


Heskey - WTF ...

bring on Walcott, oh no you can't can you you dozy cunt

Oh look a Bristol City banner, expect they're fucking used to it

and finally

fucking Crouch [illegible squiggle] fucking Rooney stupid fucking game why am I not loved Carlsberg Carragher CUNT.

And the game? No, just no. Analysis is hard work, you have to weigh up different factors, cross reference with other games, do a spell check. You have to earn the right to be analysed.

I can provide excuses too, you know. I tried my best, it just wouldn't come together on the night, my buildup words were good but I couldn't find the final edit, and right at the last moment the keyboard bobbled. It's been terrible this tournament, the keys are bouncing uncontrollably. Boo me? How dare you.

Maybe the Slovenia game will rate some kind of assessment.

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